Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Why the Situation for Military Kids with Autism is Shameful

On the shameful situation of autism in the militaryOn the shameful situation of autism in the militaryI'm going to go ahead and start this post off by saying that I am biased. Really, really biased. Way back in the years B.C. (before children) I served in the U.S. Army. I am now a mom, and my youngest child is autistic. I spend a lot of time trying to access the right services to help him, and that's without dealing with military acronyms and red tape every day.

On Tuesday, a Congressional briefing will take place to educate legislators of the challenges faced by military parents of autistic children.

Currently, families of military personnel have medical insurance called TRICARE. TRICARE does not cover autism services. Those services are available by enrolling in ECHO - Extended Care Health Option. To get ECHO, you have to first enroll in EFMP - Exceptional Family Member Program. EFMP makes sure that you won't be stationed anywhere that your family member can't get services, which is a great thought, except many service members are reluctant to enroll because it's seen as career-limiting.

But back to the autism services.

Related: The top 25 autism spectrum blogs

ECHO, the supplemental insurance that covers autism services, is only available to active duty military and their families, not to retirees. That includes "medically retired" retirees, by the way. So a Wounded Warrior - a soldier who retires because his legs are blown off in Iraq - cannot access autism services for his or her child.

Um, yeah. Let's look a little more.

ECHO has a dollar cap of $36,000 a year. That's about enough to get your child 11-12 hours of Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) therapy a week, far below the 25-40 hours a week recommended for children (especially younger children or the more profoundly affected) who need ABA. Also, the dollar cap includes not just things like autism services, but respite services and durable medical equipment. So if your kid needs a wheelchair, that's going to take away from the autism services you can access. Likewise, every hour of respite service you access is an hour less of therapy your kid can have.

Do you know what respite is? It's having someone come to your house to give you a damn break. You know who needs a break? Moms and dads of autistic children whose spouses are over in Kuwait trying really hard not to die. But if catching that break means your child can't have the services she needs, you're going to suck it up and just go slowly (or rapidly) insane from providing constant care to your autistic child.

Related: My son has autism - should I get pregnant again?

A bipartisan bill, the Caring for Military Kids with Autism Act (H.R. 2288) was introduced by Congressmen John Larson (D-CT) and Walter Jones (R-NC). It is now being co-sponsored by 35 additional representatives from both sides of the aisle, thanks in large part to the hard work of a handful of military parents. (Is your congressperson supporting HR 2288? Check the list here.)

Rachel Kenyon is one military spouse who will be speaking at the Congressional briefing on Tuesday.

"The process of accessing ECHO and getting a diagnosis can take months, or even years," said Ms. Kenyon in a phone interview with me. "Some parents do have an easier time, and that's phenomenal. We wish that every family had that experience. But for everyone else - we really shouldn't have to wait this long to get a diagnosis and get care."

Ms. Kenyon's daughter has autism, as well as a chromosomal deletion that has necessitated several surgeries. She had to tell her husband, an active-duty 25-year soldier, about her daughter's autism diagnosis over the phone while her husband was in Afghanistan on his third overseas deployment. Ms. Kenyon's husband is a sergeant major currently stationed in the United States.

Related: Does autism begin in the womb?

"If it's this hard for us and my husband's a sergeant major, how hard is it for families of privates?" Ms. Kenyon noted.

Proponents of H.R. 2288 seek to take autism services out of the supplemental ECHO program and put them into the TRICARE insurance so that they are easier for all military families to access, and so that families aren't forced to choose between things like wheelchairs and therapies. They also seek to remove the the $36,000 dollar cap so that kids who do need more services can access them.

I asked Ms. Kenyon why military kids can't just get their services through their local school district, like my son does.

"They can, but every time you're relocated, your IEP [Individualized Education Plan] has to be re-created. So you lose time and you lose services during that gap," she explained.

Related: The top 30 autism Facebook fan pages

"Also, any state services you might receive, like medical assistance, have to be re-applied for in the new state. Again, that takes time."

Ms. Kenyon also pointed out that although 29 states have enacted legislation requiring medical insurance companies to cover autism services, those laws do not apply to TRICARE, a federally-funded insurance plan.

Ms. Kenyon, who also blogs at Stim City, is not a complainer. She's a proud military wife who considers it an honor to be married to a U.S. Army soldier.

So, um, I'm going to complain on her behalf.

WHAT THE HELL?

Don't our military families give up enough? Don't they sacrifice enough that it shouldn't be that damn hard to get their kids the help they need? Don't you think that if you're hoping every day that your husband doesn't die, that you might not have the energy it takes to jump through that much red tape?

Related: Babble's complete guide to autism spectrum disorders

And seriously? People who retire from the military due to injury and disease can't get autism services for their kids? Because we all know that good-paying jobs with excellent insurance plans are just rolling the hell in for disabled veterans these days.

This situation is just plain shameful.

As a civilian, of course I believe that it should be easier for all parents to get the help their kids need. Anyone who thinks the autism diagnosis is being handed out like candy should go ahead and try to start the process of getting their kid evaluated. Go ahead. I'll wait. But I'll be waiting a really long damn time because it's not easy.

It's not easy for me, and my husband isn't in the line of fire. It should not be that hard for people like Rachel Kenyon to help their children. They have enough to worry about, and we as a nation owe them that help. We do.

I know this involves money. I also know that it's a drop. in. the. bucket. when you look at the Department of Defense's current annual budget of $683.7 billion.

Related: Autism - the difference between a discipline problem and a disability

I asked Ms. Kenyon what people can do to help her cause.

"Write your legislator," she said simply. "It boils down to public support, and getting staffers to understand, and getting the members of Congress to understand, that civilians are just as devastated to hear what's going on with our military families."

You can find for detailed information, and find your congressperson with one click at CMKAA website. Entering your ZIP Code will bring you to a page for your legislator, where you can easily send an e-mail asking him or her to attend Tuesday's briefing on the Caring for Military Kids with Autism Act, and to support H.R. 2288.

I took it one step better and called my Congressperson's office. I asked if anyone from his office would be attending the briefing, and was put right through to the staffer who handles veteran and military issues. The briefing was news to him but was happy for me to email him information. It took me about four minutes. And now, even though my laundry is piled to the ceiling, we're having leftovers for dinner, and the kitchen floor is sticky, I totally get to spend the rest of my day feeling like I did something.

For 10 things you didn't know about autism and asperger's, visit Babble

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Sex or the Super Bowl?

According to a recent survey of moms by BabyCenter.com, 80 percent of moms would rather have sex than watch the Super Bowl. Moms want to get it on this Sunday!Moms want to get it on this Sunday!

Has somebody clued the dads into this news? If 4 out of 5 moms would rather bowl over their husbands than watch the biggest of the Bowls, there might just be a Super Bowl baby boom in time for Halloween. Anyone want to place bets on how many football-sized newborns will be dressed up as Eli Manning or Tom Brady?

How often do parents have a shot at a Sunday afternoon romp, anyway? The Super Bowl could be just what they need. Park the kids in front of the Pats and Giants and get a couple of delicious hours to themselves…

Okay, maybe the game won't hold the kids' attention that long, but the roar of the crowd in Indianapolis's Lucas Oil Stadium ought to keep them occupied for a few downs at least, while Mommy and Daddy get a chance to get down…

Then again, with kickoff at 6:30 pm Eastern time, odds are good that the kids will be asleep by halftime, leaving Mom and Dad to ditch the nachos for some nuzzling. They can always catch the post-game online, right?

Curious to read a dad's point of view? Check out what Momformation's The Dadler has to say.

Elizabeth Fuller is a contributor for BabyCenter.com

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5 Lies Moms Tell Each Other

Are you telling the truth?Are you telling the truth?We've probably all been there.

We're having a conversation with another mom with kids similar in age to ours and talking about our life with littles. We probably don't know this mom super well, she's not in our closest circle of friends, and we're listening to her tell us how her toddler never watches TV, that they don't believe in using TV to entertain or baby-sit their kids.

And then you start to feel that little nagging inside, that she's a better mom than you are because your toddler watches TV on pretty much a daily basis. You may not want it to be that way, but one way or another, it's become a kind of routine in your day.

And then all of the sudden you hear yourself start telling this mom something about your children that is either completely false, or only partially true, because you are trying to make yourself look and sound like a better mom than you are feeling like at that moment.

When you finish the conversation and go your separate ways, you may find yourself wondering, why in the world did I say that? Why did I feel like I had to lie to her to make myself feel better?

Related: 12 silly ways life changes after kids

Have you ever had an experience like that? I know I have, and I always kick myself later for not being real and honest.

Why do we moms feel the need to lie to one another?

A recent survey done by Netmums found that moms admit to lying to each other in order to seem like better parents. But that these lies just end up making us feel inadequate as mothers.

I've been thinking about this issue for a few weeks, ever since I shared this post about the things I don't do as a mama of a toddler. The response was overwhelming, and the comments ranged from appreciation for my honesty which helped other mothers to feel better about themselves, to some really mean-spirited comments that basically said I was a bad mom, and even some moms that claimed to be SuperMom herself.

Related: 10 reasons I love being a 40-something mom

All of these responses made me realize that the reason so many moms resonated with and appreciated the post was because we have this idea that the other moms around us are actually "doing it all", or have it all together, or that their kids are perfect, which may be partly based on the lies that we tell each other.

So I started thinking about the different lies that we as moms tell. Some of these I know I've said myself, and some of them I know I have heard from other mothers ...

My child is a great sleeperMy child is a great sleeper
1. My child is a great sleeper
Translation: My child is a great sleeper right now.
While there are some lucky parents out there who have legitimately good sleepers, from my experience, and in talking with other moms, most kids have sleeping troubles at some point. So if you child is one of them, be assured that you are not alone.

Related: The top 10 mommy friend commandments

My child never has tantrums in publicMy child never has tantrums in public
2. My child never has tantrums in public
Translation: My child has a compliant personality and is generally mild mannered, so she rarely acts up in public.
I heard this one when I wrote a post about dealing with public tantrums and was told in the comments it was because I wasn't doing a good job as a mother, because their child always acts perfectly in public. While I'm glad that some people have children who are easy to parent, I really can't believe that they've never acted out in public, and anyway, my kids don't happen to be those kinds of kids.

You look great!You look great!
3. You look great!
Translation: You look different than the last time I saw you.
This one usually comes while pregnant or after having a baby. I've heard it recently since I'm expecting my third baby, but the thing is, I know it's not true because I can look at myself in the mirror. I'm just finally starting to really show, and getting past that awkward stage where you look more fat than pregnant. It's true, I look fat, you don't have to be nice about it.

Related: Mommyhood Confession - 8 things moms do that irritate me

I'm sending my kid to school to socialize themI'm sending my kid to school to socialize them
4. I'm sending my kid to school to socialize them
Translation: I'm excited to have some kid-free time!
I'm obviously not an opponent of preschool, my daughter started this year, but the reality is that there are lots of other ways to socialize kids besides dropping them off at school for a couple hours. Just sayin. And in fact, preschool might not even help with socialization at all.

Life is just crazy busyLife is just crazy busy
5. Life is just crazy busy
Translation: I'm a little (or a lot) overwhelmed with life right now.
I know this one, because I've told it myself. The truth here is that it's not so much that I'm really that busy, it's more that I just feel overwhelmed with all I have to do which stresses me out. And so, when I inevitably drop the ball on something, I blame it on how busy I am.

Related: Are moms allowed to have tantrums, too? The top meltdown moments of parenthood

Now, you may not lie to your closest friends. I don't either. I feel very blessed to have lots of close friends that I can talk honestly with about how things are really going for me as a mom. But once I get outside of that circle of friends, I find that I am much more likely to fib a little, or stretch the truth here or there. And I really wish I didn't do that. Both for my own sake, and for the sake of the other moms I'm talking to.

So, how about instead of lying, we commit to being vulnerable and honest with each other, and support each other in this most difficult and important role that each of us has, raising our children.

Do you sometimes lie to make yourself sound better, or different, than you might be as a mom? Do you feel like other moms lie to you about how they are doing as a mom? How does this lying affect you?

- By Emily McClements

For 2 more lies moms tell each other, visit Babble!

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