Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Why the Situation for Military Kids with Autism is Shameful

On the shameful situation of autism in the militaryOn the shameful situation of autism in the militaryI'm going to go ahead and start this post off by saying that I am biased. Really, really biased. Way back in the years B.C. (before children) I served in the U.S. Army. I am now a mom, and my youngest child is autistic. I spend a lot of time trying to access the right services to help him, and that's without dealing with military acronyms and red tape every day.

On Tuesday, a Congressional briefing will take place to educate legislators of the challenges faced by military parents of autistic children.

Currently, families of military personnel have medical insurance called TRICARE. TRICARE does not cover autism services. Those services are available by enrolling in ECHO - Extended Care Health Option. To get ECHO, you have to first enroll in EFMP - Exceptional Family Member Program. EFMP makes sure that you won't be stationed anywhere that your family member can't get services, which is a great thought, except many service members are reluctant to enroll because it's seen as career-limiting.

But back to the autism services.

Related: The top 25 autism spectrum blogs

ECHO, the supplemental insurance that covers autism services, is only available to active duty military and their families, not to retirees. That includes "medically retired" retirees, by the way. So a Wounded Warrior - a soldier who retires because his legs are blown off in Iraq - cannot access autism services for his or her child.

Um, yeah. Let's look a little more.

ECHO has a dollar cap of $36,000 a year. That's about enough to get your child 11-12 hours of Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) therapy a week, far below the 25-40 hours a week recommended for children (especially younger children or the more profoundly affected) who need ABA. Also, the dollar cap includes not just things like autism services, but respite services and durable medical equipment. So if your kid needs a wheelchair, that's going to take away from the autism services you can access. Likewise, every hour of respite service you access is an hour less of therapy your kid can have.

Do you know what respite is? It's having someone come to your house to give you a damn break. You know who needs a break? Moms and dads of autistic children whose spouses are over in Kuwait trying really hard not to die. But if catching that break means your child can't have the services she needs, you're going to suck it up and just go slowly (or rapidly) insane from providing constant care to your autistic child.

Related: My son has autism - should I get pregnant again?

A bipartisan bill, the Caring for Military Kids with Autism Act (H.R. 2288) was introduced by Congressmen John Larson (D-CT) and Walter Jones (R-NC). It is now being co-sponsored by 35 additional representatives from both sides of the aisle, thanks in large part to the hard work of a handful of military parents. (Is your congressperson supporting HR 2288? Check the list here.)

Rachel Kenyon is one military spouse who will be speaking at the Congressional briefing on Tuesday.

"The process of accessing ECHO and getting a diagnosis can take months, or even years," said Ms. Kenyon in a phone interview with me. "Some parents do have an easier time, and that's phenomenal. We wish that every family had that experience. But for everyone else - we really shouldn't have to wait this long to get a diagnosis and get care."

Ms. Kenyon's daughter has autism, as well as a chromosomal deletion that has necessitated several surgeries. She had to tell her husband, an active-duty 25-year soldier, about her daughter's autism diagnosis over the phone while her husband was in Afghanistan on his third overseas deployment. Ms. Kenyon's husband is a sergeant major currently stationed in the United States.

Related: Does autism begin in the womb?

"If it's this hard for us and my husband's a sergeant major, how hard is it for families of privates?" Ms. Kenyon noted.

Proponents of H.R. 2288 seek to take autism services out of the supplemental ECHO program and put them into the TRICARE insurance so that they are easier for all military families to access, and so that families aren't forced to choose between things like wheelchairs and therapies. They also seek to remove the the $36,000 dollar cap so that kids who do need more services can access them.

I asked Ms. Kenyon why military kids can't just get their services through their local school district, like my son does.

"They can, but every time you're relocated, your IEP [Individualized Education Plan] has to be re-created. So you lose time and you lose services during that gap," she explained.

Related: The top 30 autism Facebook fan pages

"Also, any state services you might receive, like medical assistance, have to be re-applied for in the new state. Again, that takes time."

Ms. Kenyon also pointed out that although 29 states have enacted legislation requiring medical insurance companies to cover autism services, those laws do not apply to TRICARE, a federally-funded insurance plan.

Ms. Kenyon, who also blogs at Stim City, is not a complainer. She's a proud military wife who considers it an honor to be married to a U.S. Army soldier.

So, um, I'm going to complain on her behalf.

WHAT THE HELL?

Don't our military families give up enough? Don't they sacrifice enough that it shouldn't be that damn hard to get their kids the help they need? Don't you think that if you're hoping every day that your husband doesn't die, that you might not have the energy it takes to jump through that much red tape?

Related: Babble's complete guide to autism spectrum disorders

And seriously? People who retire from the military due to injury and disease can't get autism services for their kids? Because we all know that good-paying jobs with excellent insurance plans are just rolling the hell in for disabled veterans these days.

This situation is just plain shameful.

As a civilian, of course I believe that it should be easier for all parents to get the help their kids need. Anyone who thinks the autism diagnosis is being handed out like candy should go ahead and try to start the process of getting their kid evaluated. Go ahead. I'll wait. But I'll be waiting a really long damn time because it's not easy.

It's not easy for me, and my husband isn't in the line of fire. It should not be that hard for people like Rachel Kenyon to help their children. They have enough to worry about, and we as a nation owe them that help. We do.

I know this involves money. I also know that it's a drop. in. the. bucket. when you look at the Department of Defense's current annual budget of $683.7 billion.

Related: Autism - the difference between a discipline problem and a disability

I asked Ms. Kenyon what people can do to help her cause.

"Write your legislator," she said simply. "It boils down to public support, and getting staffers to understand, and getting the members of Congress to understand, that civilians are just as devastated to hear what's going on with our military families."

You can find for detailed information, and find your congressperson with one click at CMKAA website. Entering your ZIP Code will bring you to a page for your legislator, where you can easily send an e-mail asking him or her to attend Tuesday's briefing on the Caring for Military Kids with Autism Act, and to support H.R. 2288.

I took it one step better and called my Congressperson's office. I asked if anyone from his office would be attending the briefing, and was put right through to the staffer who handles veteran and military issues. The briefing was news to him but was happy for me to email him information. It took me about four minutes. And now, even though my laundry is piled to the ceiling, we're having leftovers for dinner, and the kitchen floor is sticky, I totally get to spend the rest of my day feeling like I did something.

For 10 things you didn't know about autism and asperger's, visit Babble

MORE ON BABBLE

What EVERY woman should do before having kids
14 reasons why my kids are definitely smarter than Congress
12 silly ways life changes after kids
15 memories from childhood our children won't have
The 7 worst things to say to your kid

Family Kitchen | Babble.comStay connected. Follow Babble on Facebook and Twitter.

Sex or the Super Bowl?

According to a recent survey of moms by BabyCenter.com, 80 percent of moms would rather have sex than watch the Super Bowl. Moms want to get it on this Sunday!Moms want to get it on this Sunday!

Has somebody clued the dads into this news? If 4 out of 5 moms would rather bowl over their husbands than watch the biggest of the Bowls, there might just be a Super Bowl baby boom in time for Halloween. Anyone want to place bets on how many football-sized newborns will be dressed up as Eli Manning or Tom Brady?

How often do parents have a shot at a Sunday afternoon romp, anyway? The Super Bowl could be just what they need. Park the kids in front of the Pats and Giants and get a couple of delicious hours to themselves…

Okay, maybe the game won't hold the kids' attention that long, but the roar of the crowd in Indianapolis's Lucas Oil Stadium ought to keep them occupied for a few downs at least, while Mommy and Daddy get a chance to get down…

Then again, with kickoff at 6:30 pm Eastern time, odds are good that the kids will be asleep by halftime, leaving Mom and Dad to ditch the nachos for some nuzzling. They can always catch the post-game online, right?

Curious to read a dad's point of view? Check out what Momformation's The Dadler has to say.

Elizabeth Fuller is a contributor for BabyCenter.com

Parenting Guru: Twins... together and apart

Want to be on The Thread & get your hair done by a high-profile celeb stylist? If you're in the NYC area, learn more: http://t.co/STfHoX3v

5 Lies Moms Tell Each Other

Are you telling the truth?Are you telling the truth?We've probably all been there.

We're having a conversation with another mom with kids similar in age to ours and talking about our life with littles. We probably don't know this mom super well, she's not in our closest circle of friends, and we're listening to her tell us how her toddler never watches TV, that they don't believe in using TV to entertain or baby-sit their kids.

And then you start to feel that little nagging inside, that she's a better mom than you are because your toddler watches TV on pretty much a daily basis. You may not want it to be that way, but one way or another, it's become a kind of routine in your day.

And then all of the sudden you hear yourself start telling this mom something about your children that is either completely false, or only partially true, because you are trying to make yourself look and sound like a better mom than you are feeling like at that moment.

When you finish the conversation and go your separate ways, you may find yourself wondering, why in the world did I say that? Why did I feel like I had to lie to her to make myself feel better?

Related: 12 silly ways life changes after kids

Have you ever had an experience like that? I know I have, and I always kick myself later for not being real and honest.

Why do we moms feel the need to lie to one another?

A recent survey done by Netmums found that moms admit to lying to each other in order to seem like better parents. But that these lies just end up making us feel inadequate as mothers.

I've been thinking about this issue for a few weeks, ever since I shared this post about the things I don't do as a mama of a toddler. The response was overwhelming, and the comments ranged from appreciation for my honesty which helped other mothers to feel better about themselves, to some really mean-spirited comments that basically said I was a bad mom, and even some moms that claimed to be SuperMom herself.

Related: 10 reasons I love being a 40-something mom

All of these responses made me realize that the reason so many moms resonated with and appreciated the post was because we have this idea that the other moms around us are actually "doing it all", or have it all together, or that their kids are perfect, which may be partly based on the lies that we tell each other.

So I started thinking about the different lies that we as moms tell. Some of these I know I've said myself, and some of them I know I have heard from other mothers ...

My child is a great sleeperMy child is a great sleeper
1. My child is a great sleeper
Translation: My child is a great sleeper right now.
While there are some lucky parents out there who have legitimately good sleepers, from my experience, and in talking with other moms, most kids have sleeping troubles at some point. So if you child is one of them, be assured that you are not alone.

Related: The top 10 mommy friend commandments

My child never has tantrums in publicMy child never has tantrums in public
2. My child never has tantrums in public
Translation: My child has a compliant personality and is generally mild mannered, so she rarely acts up in public.
I heard this one when I wrote a post about dealing with public tantrums and was told in the comments it was because I wasn't doing a good job as a mother, because their child always acts perfectly in public. While I'm glad that some people have children who are easy to parent, I really can't believe that they've never acted out in public, and anyway, my kids don't happen to be those kinds of kids.

You look great!You look great!
3. You look great!
Translation: You look different than the last time I saw you.
This one usually comes while pregnant or after having a baby. I've heard it recently since I'm expecting my third baby, but the thing is, I know it's not true because I can look at myself in the mirror. I'm just finally starting to really show, and getting past that awkward stage where you look more fat than pregnant. It's true, I look fat, you don't have to be nice about it.

Related: Mommyhood Confession - 8 things moms do that irritate me

I'm sending my kid to school to socialize themI'm sending my kid to school to socialize them
4. I'm sending my kid to school to socialize them
Translation: I'm excited to have some kid-free time!
I'm obviously not an opponent of preschool, my daughter started this year, but the reality is that there are lots of other ways to socialize kids besides dropping them off at school for a couple hours. Just sayin. And in fact, preschool might not even help with socialization at all.

Life is just crazy busyLife is just crazy busy
5. Life is just crazy busy
Translation: I'm a little (or a lot) overwhelmed with life right now.
I know this one, because I've told it myself. The truth here is that it's not so much that I'm really that busy, it's more that I just feel overwhelmed with all I have to do which stresses me out. And so, when I inevitably drop the ball on something, I blame it on how busy I am.

Related: Are moms allowed to have tantrums, too? The top meltdown moments of parenthood

Now, you may not lie to your closest friends. I don't either. I feel very blessed to have lots of close friends that I can talk honestly with about how things are really going for me as a mom. But once I get outside of that circle of friends, I find that I am much more likely to fib a little, or stretch the truth here or there. And I really wish I didn't do that. Both for my own sake, and for the sake of the other moms I'm talking to.

So, how about instead of lying, we commit to being vulnerable and honest with each other, and support each other in this most difficult and important role that each of us has, raising our children.

Do you sometimes lie to make yourself sound better, or different, than you might be as a mom? Do you feel like other moms lie to you about how they are doing as a mom? How does this lying affect you?

- By Emily McClements

For 2 more lies moms tell each other, visit Babble!

MORE ON BABBLE

The 8 toughest mommy breakups
10 places moms don't need your parenting advice
The absolute worst offenses of online-parent gloating
What's your mom type? Take the quiz to find out!
The biggest secrets parents hide from their kids

Family Kitchen | Babble.comStay connected. Follow Babble on Facebook and Twitter.

Parenting Guru: My heart was speaking all along

Want to be on The Thread & get your hair done by a high-profile celeb stylist? If you're in the NYC area, learn more: http://t.co/STfHoX3v

Friday, 27 January 2012

My Little Son of a Gun

4 tips for creating and maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship http://t.co/xQsB9Mc7 via @YahooAccess

Should I Break Up with My Pediatrician?

Actual photo of our first pediatrician.

Actual photo of our first pediatrician.

Maybe you interviewed your pediatrician when you were pregnant, or maybe you just go to the doctor that was at the top of the list your insurance company gave you. Either way: Are you happy with the care your children are getting?

Parenting.com offers five signs that you need to switch pediatricians, but I think they actually missed a few important ones.

Here are Parenting.com's reasons to switch:

1. You can't get a word in edgewise. If your doctor doesn't give you the opportunity to ask questions, that's a problem.

2. Your doctor doesn't follow through. If your pediatrician says he or she will call you back in a given time frame, and doesn't, it's a sign the office is overwhelmed and may not be able to handle its caseload.

Related: 10 things you should NEVER say to a mom

3. Your doctor is a pushover. Parenting.com gives the example that if you go to an appointment dead-set against a vaccine, the doctor has the responsibility to fill you in on why that may not be the best choice for your child. Your doctor should have opinions (but shouldn't force them on you).

4. Your doctor rushes through a physical exam. Does your pediatrician rush through well checks? Not a good sign.

5. Your doctor is not board certified. Gaahhhh, what? It never even occurred to me to check on this (although I did after I read this article), but there are pediatricians who are practicing without board certification. Check to see if your doctor is board certified at the American Board of Pediatrics website. Don't see your doc there? Don't freak out. He or she may be listed under a specialty at The American Board of Medical Specialties. If your pediatrician is a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine, he or she should be listed at The American Osteopathic Association.

Related: 7 (not so serious) stages of speech development

Parenting.com also says the occasional long wait for the doctor isn't a good reason to switch: it means the doctor is spending enough time with each patient.

I've got three more reasons you might want to consider switching:

A poorly run office. A good friend of mine just switched pediatricians because the doctor's office staff was just plain rude. The occasional long wait had turned into the every time wait because the practice was so over-scheduled, and it was hard to get through on the phone. If your doctor's office can't handle answering the phone, can it handle, you know, not losing your kid's file?

Your kid doesn't like the doctor. Does your pediatrician have all the bedside manner of Dr. Evil? If the doctor doesn't take a minute to be friendly and playful with your child, she's not going to grow up wanting to be open with her doctor, and that's a real problem.

Your doctor dismisses your concerns. This is more than just not listening. This is listening, but not caring what you have to say. I can't emphasize enough how much this pisses me off.

Related: 10 very real and ridiculous reasons kids are late to school

When my twins were born, they cried a lot. Even as a first-time mom, I knew that something was wayyyy the hell off. It just seemed like they were in pain all the time, but especially after they ate. I kept asking our pediatrician, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, about it. His response, I kid you not, was:

"Babies cry, Mrs. Gray."

Yeah, they do. But they don't cry like they're being stabbed, 80 percent of the time they're awake.

By writing down exactly how much they ate and when, and when they cried, I realized that exactly 40 minutes after they had a bottle, they screamed, arched their backs, and wept. For their six-month well-check, I timed one of my daughter's feedings so that she could demonstrate this nifty trick at the pediatrician's office. This time, the pediatrician said:

"Well, that's not normal."

He then decided to schedule a test for acid reflux, but just for the one baby that was screaming. Over the deafening noise, I tried to explain that both babies did this, I just didn't time both their feedings for office freak-outs, because then I'd be at the doctor with two screaming babies. Dr. Doofenshmirtz didn't seem to think this was enough "evidence" to warrant ordering a test for both babies.

Related: 15 things I can get away with because I have kids

At that point, I had a long overdue, good old-fashioned Mommy Freak-Out. I explained that he was out of his damn mind if he thought I was going to cart two infants into the city so that one baby could have a test that both needed. I basically demanded that he write the orders for both babies, and then gave him the Mommy Stare of Death until he begrudgingly did so.

Our new pediatrician, Dr. McDreamy.

Our new pediatrician, Dr. McDreamy.

After that appointment (and both reflux tests were scheduled), I went home and called a different pediatrician. This one, who we'll call Dr. McDreamy, I had met with during my pregnancy, but decided against because I thought a single-doctor practice wouldn't have flexible enough hours. I explained the situation, and luckily, he was able to schedule us into his practice right away.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz's practice tried to charge us for transferring the girls' files, but I again explained the part about them being out of their damn minds, and that charge was waived.

When the girls' reflux tests came back showing that they indeed had severe gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), Dr. McDreamy referred us to a top pediatric gastroenterologist and we got that situation dealt with. As our twins continued to struggle during their first two years, our pediatrician supported us and coordinated care with gastroenterologists, allergists, dermatologists, pulmonologists, and orthopedists.

Related: 10 things you didn't know about babies and sleep

Fast-forward a few years, and those little girls had two younger siblings. The single-doctor practice I thought wouldn't have enough hours for us? Yeah, he calls us on the weekend to see how the kids are. When our youngest was nine months old, Dr. McDreamy literally saved our son's life with his frequent phone calls to check on our son over a weekend. He eventually had us come see him on a Sunday afternoon, and then sent us to the nearest children's hospital, where Little Dude was treated for a rare, potentially life-threatening disease called Kawasaki Disease.

Did we make the right choice in changing pediatricians? You bet. I am still thrilled with that decision. We now have four healthy, happy, amazing children who rightfully adore and trust their doctor.

Changing pediatricians is not a decision to take lightly, especially if you have a long history with that doctor. But it's important to remember that you're the client, you're the advocate for your child, and you have the right to make changes when it's the best thing for your family.

- By Joslyn Gray

For 7 tips for decoding your baby's skin irritations, visit Babble!

MORE ON BABBLE

The top 15 mommy meltdown moments
The WORST things to say to your kid
14 little ways our kids drive us majorly crazy
The worst offenses of online parent gloating
10 secrets parents hide from their kids

Get updated on news and views on the latest parenting topics. Follow Strollerderby on Facebook and Twitter.